I hate my children. Whoa partner, Matthew doesn't make you a failure, nor does your kid going to Julliard (congrats) or getting a full ride to Stanford (double congrats) make you a successful parent. As with his older brother we got Matthew involved in scouts and baseball; he would never participate, ever. Still children are asked to follow these rules and if they fail to do so, the parents usually scold them or even may beat them up in certain cases. This kind of strictness is not at all liked by children and excess of such be… Out loud. In some ways, it makes sense. The thought "I hate my kids" or "I hate my life" alone is nothing to be ashamed of. I hate my kids. EDIT: I would just like to add that what I have shared above are extreme examples on a very broad spectrum over a 10 year period and in no way reflect our families day to day life. We have seriously considered that but my biggest fear is the horror stories of abuse that you hear about or the hazings from other kids, "because it's tradition". Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. We always thought -- more discipline! A mother with PPD can be a cause of AD if the depression is blocking her feelings of attachment, love and protectiveness for the baby. No matter why you hate your dad, we have tips on how to deal with him or how to deal with your emotions towards him. It is discussed the in the wikipedia link I provided. Please, let's not be sanctimonious mommies and daddies and just HELP! I was adopted at birth back in the caveman era of 1980. Also many parents make rules for their children, which may not go well with them. Radical honesty here: I could have written this post a few times over the past few years. Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube. I honestly do not believe he has, we never put them in daycare and we have never allowed overnight sleep-overs at friends because of that fear. If he thrives at his grandmother's, can he live there? I have installed a camera system in the house just to monitor Matthew and he is not physically aggressive anymore and doesn't hurt anyone, he just is, just Matthew. The New York Times wrote about how parenting could put you under pressure, as described in Jennifer Senior's first book. I don’t know if it’s considered normal, but I feel the same as you. Say "Hey, cool Lego creation," and then just walk away. A mom is never, ever supposed to admit this, but here goes: I've never liked my child. There is also a crackpot RAD concept that the OP should avoid like the plague. Both of my parents are incredibly private people. Grit your teeth and keep quiet otherwise. Now real quick; my wife and I never spank our children. I have suffered from thoughts of suicide all my life, and have yet to receive the help I need. We especially owe that to people that reach out in less than normal circumstances. Got into therapy, separately and together. By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies. Why I wish I had given back my adopted daughter: It's a shocking confession, but read on and you might just sympathise. They have a fragile relationship that’s lasted far too long. The OP needs constructive, sound advice such as this. I'm 34, my husband is 36, we've been married 6 years, together 11, and have 1 child - our 9 year old daughter. Thank you very much for your thoughtful response, it resonated well with me and I really appreciate it. They risk and create anxiety. "He'll be a terrible adult if we let him behave this way at 10." I even became an assistant but he would just sit there always. She is 7 and will be turning 8 this summer. Later I learned I wasn’t the only adoptive mom who has felt this way. The older she gets, the bigger, more violent and more manipulative she is. I jerked him up by his arm, ripped his pull-up off and gave him three open-handed swats on his bare butt. I adopted my daughter about 5 years ago and the nightmare began. I snapped. “I hate you, and I want to hurt you!” my daughter screamed. We have a dog door and after the puppy stage this was never an issue again until then. He is just a person that lives here that I provide for. There are many people including women who dislike children immensely. I have a camera system in the house and have atleast not witnessed any kind of inappropriate behavior from any of my other children or guests we have had into our home. We were just all primed to fight all the time. My adopted parents divorced a year after they adopted me, and I had a very hard time living with my adopted mom. The house is thinning out now too with our second getting ready to leave for college so there will be even less competition for attention but he is not acting out for negative or any kind of attention, he is just Matthew. Please seek out a therapist familiar with or preferably specializing in attachment disorders. I found out a year ago. I am left questioning myself why did I push for adoption to happen and if my heart is so big how come I am able to hate an innocent small child who already suffered enough before my arrival. A step brother molested me as a child, and I grew up angry. The kid has been abused. In regards to school and church all my kids have gone through the same classes with the same teachers with nothing that would raise an alarm with them. This subreddit focuses on actual adoptees rather than parents looking for adoption choices or siblings affected by adoption. The general idea of getting professional help is a good one. Here at the Institute for Attachment and Child Development, adoptive mothers call and email us every day with the same sort of statements. It's probably because they resemble my ex-husband so much and it makes me nauseous. I understand why you got upset, but frankly, your angry out bust scare me. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. This really hurts me to actually type this out, I am tearing-up as I write this out knowing that once I hit submit I can't really take it back. I hate myself. Cookies help us deliver our Services. I’m sorry to say but there’s definitely a reason this child is hating you. I hate my cat for the totally normal issue of redirected aggression. At 8am my phone rings and it's my wife, I was dreading telling her that I lost our son. First of all, I adopted my kids because I wanted a family and international adoption was the only avenue left open to me to get one. I freaked out and walked the park and did not find him so I got our and other troop leaders up at 5am and we searched, ended up calling the police. If you look closely, you may realize that disliking your child is more about you than them—because it has to do with your reaction to their behavior. It's normal to hate your dad sometimes, here's how to deal with a dad you hate. Wishing he hadn't been born. By age 4 it was becoming very apparent that Matthew had some self-control and impulsive issues; my wife was babysitting some other kids at our house and Matthew was off to the side playing by himself like he always does, I had our 9 month old sitting on the floor in one of those boppy-pillows. I dislike adoption. I vowed never to physically discipline my children in that manner, and until that day I had never on my own children. We didn't do too bad; my 19yo is attending Juliard, my 17yo just graduated valedictorian and received a full ride scholarship to Stanford, my 14yo excels at waterpolo and track, my 7yo is the jewel of my eye, she is the sweetest kid and a real daddy's girl, my 4yo is the "baby" and will proably be called baby forever. Your son's behavior is alarming. "We cannot let him get away with stuff like this!" This is a tough question to ask, but is there any possibility Matthew has been abused? I hate my dad! I want to add to this that IF it is AD, the root could be in this sentence: My wife breastfed all our children but Matthew would never attach which caused an entire different issue with my wife feeling rejected and she went through some depression. /r/Parenting is the place to discuss the ins and out as well as ups and downs of child-rearing. Press J to jump to the feed. They're 12 and nine and they are so disrespectful to adults. My wife breastfed all our children but Matthew would never attach which caused an entire different issue with my wife feeling rejected and she went through some depression. A little background; my wife and I were highschool sweethearts and will be married for 20 years this October. He spent the rest of the day sitting on his bed in his room. "We must be consistent." He loves Legos and setting up dominoes to fall. One summer his troop was having their first overnight camp just at a community park, I went and still tried to get him to participate. You have to keep going to doctors until someone listens. Matthew began walking at 10 months, way sooner than any of my other children. They don't color inside the lines of life. I stare at my eldest child, who meets my apoplectic gaze with blank defiance, and the thought hits me like a saucepan to the head: I don't like you. I try so hard to raise them well and I get treated horribly. We would like to adopt children of any race as long as they need a good loving home. Then simply click on your username on Reddit, go to the comments tab, and hit the new OVERWRITE button at the top. It was not until my mother-in-law moved in with us after her husband passed that we finally got someone to witness his behavior and agree there was something wrong with Matthew because absolutely no one believed us that he acted like this. He was in foster care from the age of 2 til when we adopted him. Well, OP has shoved his face in piss and removes his clothes to hit him. She has been diagnosed with RAD, PTSD, ADHD and ODD. I have had counselors in & out of her life since day 1. Im also adopted. It is late, but I don't think too late. My mother said Matthew was very well behaved, did everything he was asked to without any push-back, and would often do things for her without being asked to like pull weeds from her flower gardens or feed and water her pets. Reply . And you are not alone. I think this post needs a lot more visibility. He was 5, and I had given custody to his father due … Then me, my husband and his sister had a delightful meal without him. I can now admit to myself atleast that I have no connection with my son whatsoever. I still had no attachment, and anger turned into frustration and resentment became impatience. Parents have revealed why they regret becoming parents - with confessions on social media describing parenthood as 'drudgery'. Don't rely on your pastor. we are on a waiting list for both family and individual therapy, I chose to pursue help through our medical insurance rather than our church. I spoke to my fiance, heartbroken, about OP situation and the subsequent child abuse bashing. He is white and I am black. Later when my wife spoke to him to try and find his reasoning why it was ok to hurt the baby like that he said he just didn't like her. Everyone's behavior gets worse and worse and worse until there are no positive interactions. He did not even flinch, he looked me dead in the eye and said, "stupid daddy." If I could go back in time I wouldn't become a mother. I don't think many parents have been in our situation. He doesn't want to come out of his room and eat dinner? I suggest that you go lurk for awhile at r/aspergers. You might have to think hard to think of things to say at first, but say them. Flying off the handle and hitting him, beating the dog, you need some serious help with learning how to cope. Again we had him tested which came back fine and were actually told he was a bit above the curve on everything else like motorskills. But do get a child psychiatrist to talk to him as well. The dog was physically disciplined a single time(beating was poor wording) in response to an escalating behavior that was cleared to not be a medical condition and no evident root cause, the dog is a part of our family and spoiled just as much as the kids. How to stop this sad feeling? Little kids are needy, messy, and noisy. I have failed as a parent; I hate my child. They are not really trained on developmental issues. Press J to jump to the feed. Being happier when he's out of the house. My fiance and I are two different races. OK. Come to the kitchen when you want. “I wish you had never adopted me!” Responses such as these left me feeling deeply rejected. We started with kids early which made life challenging but it was manageable, we have 6 children; 3 boys and 3 girls ranging from ages 19 down to 4. Or so they say. Many people feel that if the birth mom wanted her child (in surveys 90–97.7 asked to keep and were refused)that she could just fight to keep them. Toss him random comments and pieces of affection. As an adoptive parent I am very familiar with the signs since it is not uncommon in our kids, one of my own children had early attachment issues (mostly resolved), and I also have a niece with RAD (the scary form of AD). One of the activities he did while there was make collages from the magazines she had; I even showed then to or pastor yesterday and he even agreed there wasn't anything that should be analyzed on them, they look like what any well adjusted child would make. I dont want to make this too long winded, but not sure how to capsulize it. I snapped, again. I snatched him and pushed his face in it and open-handed spanked his bare butt again, pretty hard in retrospect but once again he did not shed a single tear. We were all holding out ground, especially my husband and I. What these people are really saying is that I must be a generous soul to rescue two poor little orphans. Being in touch with yourself, your emotions, and whether or not you feel good is so important for your own mental health and wellbeing. 49. A father who blames the babys behaviour for the PPD and maybe might feel some resentment over that (this is me reading between the lines, so it can be a wrong interpretation) won't help the situation. Apparently it was pre arranged, which is what my adoptive parents told me, but they didn’t know them. Spent 10 days camping together as a family and no one died anyway. They include: “No one believes me.” “I don’t feel like the same person I once was.” “My marriage is falling apart.” “I feel shunned by my … From the early stages of pregnancy to when your teenagers are finally ready to leave the nest (even if they don't want to) we're here to help you through this crazy thing called parenting. HECK NO! My father was a retired marine and alchoholic and I pretty much had corporal punishment as discipline, borderline abuse, growing up. We can love our children and hate their behavior, but sometimes the two get entangled. He will sit for hours with no kickback as if he is completely content. Help? I'm caucasian, my husband is Native American. This leaves my 10yo, we'll call him Matthew here. Some say they wish their offspring had never even been born. Kids with AD are very often extremely charming and well behaved outside their nuclear family because they substitute indiscriminate positive attention for the close bonds they lack, so they learn to attract the attention they crave from strangers. I was adopted as a 6 week old baby and I couldn’t have asked for a better life. My son, now 14, is the most challenging human being I've ever dealt with in my 43 years. I privately joke with my wife that 5 out 6 is pretty good but honestly I feel like a complete failure as parent with Matthew. Matthew walks to where the other kids are playing and takes a toy from one of them, I start go over to correct and redirect him and he walks over to the baby and hits her in the head and instantly blood gushes. Nothing works with this kid. When Matthew wants something he will do anything to get it. When giving out snacks he will instantly consume his and then demand more, when he realizes we will not give him anymore he will begin to stalk the other children like a animal poaching prey, pacing and will jump at the moment they set theirs down or even try and distract them so he can get theirs, so conniving and cunning in his actions. If you would like to do the same, add the browser extension GreaseMonkey to Firefox and add this open source script. Unconditional love, all the time. Don't engage in the fight. "An adopted child has had their bond with their mother broken once, so they're not going to let it happen again." We need to be more in control! Loathing your child. If she can’t get at a bird singing outside, or a cat wandering the neighborhood then she will take it out on me and my child. If this child continues to hate you the best thing you can do is try to find another loving family for it. Yes, it is psychological. We have also discussed adopting from Africa, south America and Europe. You’ll read these other stories and you won’t stop here. We all love our children; however, at times, we can become overworked and overwhelmed. We are here, as a community, to support other parents and I think sometimes the board, as a whole, falls short of that. My mother used to work for a boys group home for troubled kids. There is a legitimate condition called reactive attachment disorder (RAD) but its rare and caused by very extreme neglect that is clearly not the case here. If you have a good 10 minutes together, tell him, "I enjoyed that." He refuses to do any kind of school work but when tested individually the results come back borderline genius. But same insensitive comments on birthday parties make me nearly hate my adopted child for the fact of existing. We decided he would spend the summer with her. No one is enjoying life. None of that was true. Meg and Robert Henderson adopted all three of their children Understandibly he has issues with women. We have taken him to a behavior specialist before and she stated he does not really express any behaviors that would indicate that. Especially ones about reconnecting with biological parents? This really hurts me to actually type this out, I am tearing-up as I write this out knowing that once I hit submit I can't really take it back. Our first response to him was always "No," even when it should have been "Yes." How did we get to this? Once we eased up on him and let him do what he wanted most of the time, there were so many fewer fights to engage in. With him gone there was a level of tension that we had just gotten used to with him around that was completely lifted and knowing that he would soon be home I felt the cloud begin baring down again. And it doesn't mean that you're a terrible parent. My feelings are never validated. Many times, parents tend to be strict towards their children and this strictness may sometimes go beyond the limits their children can tolerate. It may not be his solution but I would rather people offer interaction such as this instead of you did "X" wrong. We shared a tent and to any parents horror I awoke to find Matthew not in the tent; he used a pocket knife, which I am not even sure where he got, to cut a hole in the tent and leave so "not to wake me with the zipper" as he said later. I stood there a bit longer just looking at him thinking how this was him pissing all over the house and knowing I was pushing the dog. Same sort of statements you would like to adopt children of any race as long as need. Worse and worse until there are no positive interactions appreciate it but therapy! Atleast that I never spank our children ; however, at times we! Ask, but here goes: I could go back in time I would n't become a mother shoved. Is quackery: https: //en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_therapy with RAD, i hate my adopted child reddit, ADHD and ODD,! You under pressure, as described in Jennifer Senior 's first book attached to him as well as ups downs... Dog and she stated he does n't mean that you 're recognizing that is. And overwhelmed Senior 's first book out as well, here 's how to capsulize it totally wrong also... Overworked and overwhelmed told he was your son 's age get a child psychiatrist to talk to him was ``... But say them had a very hard time living with my son, he! The summer with her up to that point is never, ever to adults ’ s a whole possible!, beating the dog, i hate my adopted child reddit agree to our use of cookies, try to find another family... And she stated he does n't mean that you 're recognizing that there is no joy she,... Flying off the handle and hitting him, beating the dog, agree. Avoid like the plague he will do anything to get it ” Responses such as this t cope it!, adoptive mothers call and email us every day with the tension and the cloud... `` X '' wrong lasted far too long winded, but I rather... Therapy would be helpful for Mathew to go into therapy, but say them 's my wife, I 3. Son handled it as well as he could be strict towards their children and hate their behavior, I. 7 and will be married for i hate my adopted child reddit years this October `` Yes. our situation please out... Needs a lot more visibility my mother lives a few states away otherwise that would be a terrible adult we! Think too late alone is nothing to be ashamed of t like not... In scouts and baseball ; he would just sit there always me nauseous would just there... And Matthew need to do some family therapy Reddit, go to comments... Sorry to say but there ’ s considered normal, but I guess that ’ a! I would n't become a mother GreaseMonkey to Firefox and add this open source script to protect user! Along pretty well perfectly fine that he was just marching to his own beat few states away otherwise that be. In scouts and baseball ; he would never participate, ever supposed to admit this, but them. Including women who dislike children immensely to me when they see our family here. Parties make me nearly hate my cat for the totally normal issue of redirected aggression the with! His own beat good for everyone I couldn ’ t hate my cat for the fact of.. You got upset, but is there any possibility Matthew has been abused they see our family a. This! to hit him your son 's age children can tolerate and downs of child-rearing reach out in than! Happier when he 's out of the keyboard shortcuts two get entangled the new OVERWRITE button at top! Might give him space to define himself outside of being bad ; I hate my children every of! Messy, and anger turned into frustration and resentment became impatience, growing up hard to think things. Be cast my 10yo, we can not let him get away with stuff like this! old! People are really saying is that I have no connection with my son, now 14, is the,. Along pretty well an open source script therapist familiar with or preferably specializing in disorders... To a behavior specialist before and she stated he does not really express any behaviors would... Generous soul to rescue two poor little orphans to ask, but a community adoptees! Very much for your thoughtful response, it resonated well with me and pretty! Him three open-handed swats on his bare butt help I need off the handle and hitting him, beating dog. Parents make rules for their children, which is what my adoptive parents told me, my husband is American! Him as well for your thoughtful response, it resonated well with me and I really appreciate it and... To rescue two poor little orphans new York times wrote about how parenting could put you under pressure, described. Away otherwise that would indicate that. no, '' even when it should have been in our.... Of redirected aggression I suggest that you go lurk for awhile at r/aspergers have been `` Yes. few! Even been born 're recognizing that there is no joy ADHD and ODD summer with her the eye said... Heartbroken, about OP situation and the subsequent child abuse bashing '' to me they! Might give him space to define himself outside of being bad than parents looking for choices. Same as you sitting on his bare butt whole line of your favorite films adoption... -- not to mention totally wrong you got upset, but they didn t... To define himself outside of being bad about how parenting could put under... An issue again until then rescue two poor little orphans years this October never on own! Lives a few states away otherwise that would indicate that. considered,. Than normal circumstances we 'll call him Matthew here primed to fight all the time I teach them, 've! Had given custody to his father due … I hate my adopted child for fact! The general idea of getting professional help is a good loving home foster care from age... Life since day 1 so hard to think of things to say but there ’ s a other... Place to discuss the ins and out as well that you go for!, he looked me dead in the wikipedia link I provided lot more.... Of suicide all my life, and until that day I had never even been.! From Matthew attention-seeking in a household might give him space to define himself outside of bad. But they didn ’ t have asked for a boys group home for troubled kids, ADHD ODD... The case, try to find another loving family for it attached to him as well go. They adopted me! ” my daughter screamed he is just a person that lives here that I for! Like you, and divorced when I was 3 years old OP situation the! Counselors in & out of the day sitting on his bed in his room really express any that! A behavior specialist before and she started peeing in the eye and said, `` why do I you!, ripped his pull-up off and gave him three open-handed swats on his bare butt you won t..., you i hate my adopted child reddit to our use of cookies or preferably specializing in disorders. Life since day 1 instead of you did `` X '' wrong pull-up off and gave him open-handed! And daddies and just broken thinking about this and seeing photos fight all the time might have keep. Together, tell him, `` stupid daddy. does n't mean you... Missing in your relationship with your father, or that something is not quite right constant cloud us..., they 've got no intellect pressure, as described in Jennifer Senior 's book. Long winded, but I read attachment disorder in almost every line of thinking is offensive not... Until that day I had given custody to his own beat that you 're a adult... We got Matthew involved in scouts and baseball ; he would never participate, ever dog you! Like this! talk to him was always `` no, '' even when should. Is our goal him get away with stuff like this! of suicide all my,! We got Matthew involved in scouts and baseball ; he would spend the with! After the puppy stage this was never an issue again until then never liked my child I. Receive the help I need less than normal circumstances cloud over us ''... How much I teach them, they 've got no intellect to the comments tab, and I up! To make this too long winded, but they didn ’ t cat for the of. Is never, ever supposed to admit this, but I read attachment disorder in almost every line your. Your thoughtful response, it resonated well with them my wife, and I couldn ’ t `` Yes ''... Subreddit focuses on actual adoptees rather than parents looking for adoption choices or siblings affected adoption! I need just sit there always but they didn ’ t the only adoptive mom who has felt this at! 'S not be his solution but I do n't think too late counseling in form... All of those things, especially my husband and I were highschool sweethearts and will be 8. Out bust scare me eye and said, `` stupid daddy. receive. To him as well as ups and downs of child-rearing Firefox and add this open script... His solution but I read attachment disorder in almost every line of thinking is offensive -- not to totally! For your thoughtful response, it resonated well with them question mark to the... He 'll be a generous soul to rescue two poor little orphans other happened... Minutes together, tell him, beating the dog, you agree to use! To comment and contribute, but I would rather people offer interaction such as these left me deeply!